Baby it's cold outside...

It was a cold cold winters night. Snow had fallen, snow upon snow, and weather reports were warning people to stay indoors and "avoid unnecessary journeys..."

Unfortunately childbirth is pretty damn necessary, and if I hadn't been pumped up on mother nature's natural sedatives I might have been feeling worried. I was three days past my due date and the weather seemed to be getting worse, not better. I overheard my parents talking in the lounge earlier in the evening,
"...there's no way..."
"...have to call an ambulance then..."

I retreated upstairs for a relaxing game of Warcraft, and tried to get comfortable on my special orthopaedic kneeling chair, which was hard these days, as I weighed about as much as a baby elephant and jutted out in all the wrong places. I was just considering another plate of pineapple chunks and jalapeño peppers when there was a sudden CRACK! and a BUMP! and I was sitting on the floor on top of a pile of wood that used to be my chair. I blinked slowly in mild shock for a few moments and then rolled off the pile of chair bits, with that beached-whale fluid style that I had mastered by now.

I was mortified. I was so massive that I actually broke the chair. Now I know how Goldilocks felt.

Suddenly inspired, I checked for suspicious wet patches...
Aaaah...nothing.

Feeling heavy with the weight of disappointment (and 50 extra pounds) I decided to forgo the pineapple and peppers. If falling off a chair couldn't encourage this baby out tonight, then the forced ingestion of disgusting food was probably also a lost cause.
































(Yes, really.)